Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
