There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You can't just leave with hair like that
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
