you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
