I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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