In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
