$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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