Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
