i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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