onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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