Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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