The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
