Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
