Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
