Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
