First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
