Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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