you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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