I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
