The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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