Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
