I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
