Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
