Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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