I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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