im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
