i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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