Even the bartender felt bad for me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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