Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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