my phone needs a breathalizer
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
