...so i touched it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
