Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I want a musical about memes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
