Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
