I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
