he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
