Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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