i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
