I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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