good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
