I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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