The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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