you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Girls should come with a carfax report
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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