Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
