so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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