My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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