I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
