Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I lost the right to judge tonight
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
