I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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