so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
