i wish starbucks made bloody marys
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
