The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your cock deserves a montage
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
