does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
